One of those days

I think it fair to say that today I have 'the mind of a squid'. Yup! I cannot seem to focus or content myself with one direction only. And so, I accomplish p### all.

I want to finish making my homemade tree ornaments, get my Christmas cards ready for the mail, wrap the few presents I have bought, do the laundry, fix something for supper, sit still and hug and kiss my little man (simply because he is growing way too fast), and yet, here I am pouring my thoughts and frustrations out there.
What does that say about who I am? Confused comes to mind. Out of touch with the true meaning for this Christmas season?
Maybe I am both confused and out of touch. The question is not so much, how do I tune in, but why can't I? If only I could clear my head of all the negative thoughts that seems to be floating around up there.

I tell others, and myself, that I'm fine. I'm moving ahead since Igor. Am I really? I go to the basement to do the laundry and the open empty space smacks reality to what was once a full apartment. I go to retrieve decorations that were lovingly stored, in my basement, while awaiting this very occassion and oh no that's gone too. I want to pick up the phone and just chat with my mom and see what she is up to, sadly that cannot happen either since she bid us farewell almost eleven months ago. I truly miss her.

I had a mistrust that with mom gone this Christmas it would be difficult, but Igor did nothing to help when it took some of the very keepsakes that were gifts from her over the years. I try to reason with myself and remind myself that she will always be in my heart; and things are only things; and that the true meaning of this season has nothing to do with my mom or material possessions.

But in a way it does. It is after all about love. And to lose someone and something that is very dear to me,......well, it is upsetting.

So I guess, if nothing else, I am learning that life does go on, and to mourn a loss is suppose to be a form of healing. Christmas may just have to be a bit different this year, but I'm sure that will not be the end of the world either.