One of those days

I think it fair to say that today I have 'the mind of a squid'. Yup! I cannot seem to focus or content myself with one direction only. And so, I accomplish p### all.

I want to finish making my homemade tree ornaments, get my Christmas cards ready for the mail, wrap the few presents I have bought, do the laundry, fix something for supper, sit still and hug and kiss my little man (simply because he is growing way too fast), and yet, here I am pouring my thoughts and frustrations out there.
What does that say about who I am? Confused comes to mind. Out of touch with the true meaning for this Christmas season?
Maybe I am both confused and out of touch. The question is not so much, how do I tune in, but why can't I? If only I could clear my head of all the negative thoughts that seems to be floating around up there.

I tell others, and myself, that I'm fine. I'm moving ahead since Igor. Am I really? I go to the basement to do the laundry and the open empty space smacks reality to what was once a full apartment. I go to retrieve decorations that were lovingly stored, in my basement, while awaiting this very occassion and oh no that's gone too. I want to pick up the phone and just chat with my mom and see what she is up to, sadly that cannot happen either since she bid us farewell almost eleven months ago. I truly miss her.

I had a mistrust that with mom gone this Christmas it would be difficult, but Igor did nothing to help when it took some of the very keepsakes that were gifts from her over the years. I try to reason with myself and remind myself that she will always be in my heart; and things are only things; and that the true meaning of this season has nothing to do with my mom or material possessions.

But in a way it does. It is after all about love. And to lose someone and something that is very dear to me,......well, it is upsetting.

So I guess, if nothing else, I am learning that life does go on, and to mourn a loss is suppose to be a form of healing. Christmas may just have to be a bit different this year, but I'm sure that will not be the end of the world either.

I Have A Dream

Everyone has a dream or so says the 649 lotto ads. I, too, have a dream, Mine however, depends more on the finincial outcome of the sale of our family owned business than it does my winning the lottery.

Have you ever felt so close to something so good that you could almost taste it? Yet, at the same time you were afraid to lick your chops for fear it was only a dream. A dream you did not want to wake up from.

For years now I have found a deep personal contentment in every opportunity I've been given to journal my inner thoughts through short stories and poetry. Also, equally as satisfying are the images captured through the lens of my Canon Power Shot S51S. Sheer excitement and yet peaceful tranguility has been my reward for the appreciation and love of the beauty that surrounds me. Simple, yet simply breathtaking!

Whether through words or images, I look forward to my semi-retirement which I hope will allow me more time for writing and photography. "Semi-retirement," I choose to call it would allow me the freedom to pursue these passions in a more relaxed atmosphere. Less responsibilities, less demands, less expectactions and more of the true riches in life. Long leisurely strolls in the wide open outdoors, travels to reunite with family and friends and more time to spend with my husband rediscovering life without the bakery is where my thoughts are these days.

Don't get me wrong, I have great respect for the hard working individual, the go getter, the success stories. Maybe it's because we've both worked so hard that I am so looking forward to the fruits of our labour. 

I know who holds the future. And I also know who has carried me thus far and so it is with a thankful heart and an open mind that I acknowledge the gifts the good Lord has given me.

Therefore by His grace, I am embracing this particular crossroads in my life with both excitement and much anticipation.

God willing this coming Spring will not only bring new life, but for my husband and me....renewed life.

Going on a date!

Could this day get any better than this! Today started off with a trip to the primary school beacause my youngest grandchild, Ethan, began his first day at kinderstart.
and now as soon as I woof down my supper (a meal of salt fish, potatoes and scrunchions) I am off on a date with my oldest grandchild, Caitlyn,(a teenager). Yes a date!

We are going to spend some time making homemade christmas ornaments. I am truly blessed!

Monday .... a new school day!

I could ask for no better morning than this morning to tread new ground. Jack has wrapped his arms around the surrounding foliage and breathed upon every living and non-living thing in the great outdoors. In my early years he probably would have been referred to as Mr. Frost! Not that I'm in my later years now. Oh no! I still feel as though I'm very much in my early years (as far as retirement goes).
My day plan today is to get my butt off this chair and fix up my appearance  to present myself as a very YOUNG grandmother.
You see my little man, Ethan, whom I care for on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays is starting Kinderstart this morning. I have to meet him and his mom , who is a teacher at that school, in half an hour. So, it's hustle butt time and no time to linger with my camera. The sun is just creeping over the hillside and teasing me as to the magnificent photo opps he will soon introduce.
Ah well my trip to the school in a very short while is also an exciting photo opt. and this too is brand new!

The Things I Do !

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Things I Do !


On a recent trip to Botwood to visit our friends I made a simple, yet outrageous detour! We, (my husband and I) were not suppose to be in a rush that morning when we planned to get away from our business for a relaxing two or three days. But as usual, he always seems to be out in the car waiting on me. His actions not only infuriate me, but frustrate me to a point where I will occasionally forget to grab something which I had intended on taking.

This time it was a pair of gloves. The weather wasn’t too bad, for a normal person. Truth is the word normal just doesn’t fit well with me for some reason. Nothing I do reflects normal behaviour.

We both decided to stop at this popular local restaurant in Gander for lunch. Having frequented this location many a time before and enjoyed the food there we thought since it is Thanksgiving weekend we'll order a nice turkey dinner. Maybe it was the way I was dressed or maybe it was they didn't pay their heating bill. I am not usually a fast eater but I had to wolf down my meal in the case that it was me who was low on energy fuel. When we finished our meal and were about to continue our journey I suggested we make a quick stop to Wal-mart.
“What do you need to get there?” was my husband’s response. A pair of gloves was my reply, rubbing my hands vigorously. A chill had set in my bones that a hot meal nor coffee seemed to remedy.

“Sure he says,” we have time. We arrived on the parking lot and he pulled up next to the entrance and informed me that he would wait there, seeing as how I shouldn’t be too long getting a pair of gloves.

Half hour later, maybe more, I returned with a complete outfit minus the gloves. I was informed that their Christmas and winter stock hadn’t arrived yet. You see when I left home I was sporting a pair of tights, a floor length skirt (to cover my usual swollen ankles!), a pair of slip-on open-heel shoes, a blouse and a slight sweater under my jacket. I did have my blanket, just no gloves. It’s difficult for me to remember to take everything when I feel the slightest hint of pressure.

Anyhow, our journey was now back on track including a stop for refuelling. Needless to say my blanket came in handy. Upon my husbands return to our vehicle I presented myself in the latest Wal-Mart attire. A new pair of socks (over my tights of course), a pair of enclosed laced up black shoes, brown corduroy pants, a roll neck heavy wool sweater complete with scarf/shawl, and my original jacket. Comfy as a bug in a rug I was now feeling much better. I didn’t even need gloves as I folded up my blanket and laid it across my lap with my hands tucked neatly under it.

No the windows were not rolled down, nor was the air conditioning turned on. My husband was fitted out in a short sleeved shirt and trousers. He was comfortable! I was comfortable! We were now, however, in total agreement on the temperature. At least the temperature inside the car. And I was delighted with my new duds!!!

Famous Wal-Mart catch-phrase...."Did you find everything you were looking for?"

Sobering Assessment

Sobering Assessment

I began this journey of blogging on Nov. 1st without a whole lot of research or forethought regarding blogging in general. As it is with most of the endeavours I’ve embarked upon, while not being fully prepared, the unexpected is sure to occur. This excursion is clearly no different.
My next article entitled ‘sobering assessment’ stems from an occurrence which took root on Nov 1st. Over a two day period this root mushroomed into an awkward confrontation. All is well and good again, thankfully. From time to time a correctional self-evaluation can lead to refreshing observations.

Sobering Assessment
When I began posting articles on my blog I shared a personal account of whether or not I felt blessed or cursed. To be honest, I truly do not feel cursed. Hence, why do I do the things I do, and say the things I say?
What I have discovered is that being totally open and honest, especially with myself, can be brutally painful. Yet, the acknowledgment of putting my self-desires above the needs of others helped to deliver a humbling message while generating a real sense of gratitude for the whole experience. Especially when I know in my heart, mind and soul that (as a Christian, still under construction, of course!) I should be putting the needs of others ahead of my own. It is the
Christian way.
The discouragement that my husband expressed in the company of our Christian friends was so sobering it felt as though a surgeon had taken a scalpel to my heart without first administering any kind of anaesthetic. You see as an Anglican Lay Minister, my husband was preparing to lead an evening worship service on Nov. 1st and he expected me to support him by my attendance. Bottom line...I didn't go. This particular service was very important to him as he had experienced a temporary absent from our church and any associated activities due to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Saying that our planned night of sharing with our friends didn’t go exactly as planned would be a complete understatement. But then again, who’s plan? Mine?
If I am to learn anything on this Christian journey it is that I am not able to journey on my own and obey God’s will at the same time. The structure of our sharing group, as pertains to the Cursillo method, is a guideline to help us to live our lives through Piety, Study and Action. We are reminded in John’s gospel of Christ’s own words, “without Me you can do nothing.” A lesson in piety for me? Definitely!
An observation from the night of the open wound;
-acknowledge the problem
-discuss the findings and healing approach
-administer positive steps to ensure restoration.

Communication is key! Whether it be my spouse, a family member, a friend, but most especially my heavenly Father. God is always open to communication. However, I must acknowledge Him every day in every way.
Jesus hung on the cross and spoke these words, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” Why then do I look at my own personal trials as a curse and not a blessing? Jesus experienced His darkest moment as an honour and a privilege to obey His Father’ will. Why then do I not accept my trials as a privilege and honour God. Christ suffered the unbearable pain for me. As a Christian my desire is to be more like Christ.
On the drive back home following our evening of group sharing the rain poured from the heavens and the effect of what had transpired during our sharing was splitting my heart. Still an open heart communication both on the drive and upon retirement to our bedroom led to a much needed filtration and irrigation. For me it transcended into a long overdue communication with my heavenly father seeking His forgiveness and mercy. I know not what His plans are for me, or for the both of us as a couple, yet I felt His assuring, loving embrace and I know I must trust in Him and His will.
Tonight I lay it all at His feet and look forward to a new dawn, and a renewed spirit. He is with me, and with us. His Holy Spirit is my comforter. When I stray from daily communion with God than I rob myself of a possible blessing.
The physical quirks I endure in my life are but mere quirks if I choose to view all subjection as channels for spiritual blessings. I profess to love my Lord, and so I must strive even harder to walk the walk and talk the talk.
May you all experience God’s blessing.

reposted from my previous blog

A Blessing or a Curse

During my fifty plus years I seem to have developed a weakening immune system. The attraction towards all sorts of nasty bugs, while none are welcome, all tend to over extend their visit. Now I am on even higher alert thanks to the H1N1 flu virus. I have been seriously considering buying in a bulk supply of disposable gloves and face masks.
Memory replay utters my mothers sentiments time and again, “If there is anything out there creeping and crawling, leave it to Josephine, she is sure to catch it first and bring it home to everyone else.” It’s not a good feeling being that popular!
And to make matters worst, ever since my early childhood, my inability to leave well enough alone, continues to plague me. Any and all superficial injuries I happen to sustain to my flesh generates this compulsive need to pick at them. You’d think, by now, my immune system would be better able to withstand these foreign invaders. On second thought maybe the gloves could offer a fitting solution for this particular compulsive habit. After all my mother did threaten me time and again that she would tie a pair of mittens to my wrists to prevent me from picking my scabs and sores.
Being born so close to Hallowe’en, I often wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that I couldn’t rest until the blood was oozing through the skin.
Speaking of unattractive displays, swollen ankles does nothing for my sex appeal either. Not only are they unsightly, but often times, it’s just downright uncomfortable. What’s the use of projecting a shapely figure in a short skirt only to draw attention to non-existent ankles. Well I suppose there is the alternative - stylish slacks. Contrary to my earlier belief, this is definitely not an (old age!) condition. Who’s old? Not me! That would be my grandmother.
“There’s more blood in a turnip!” My mother-in-law first introduced me to this expression one time when she saw me wearing a turtle neck sweater on a supposedly hot summer’s day. You know how it works. If it comes from your mother-in-law then chances are you interpret it the wrong way. Right?
Well her comment did rub me the wrong way which led to the discovery of yet another presumed old age condition - poor circulation.
Imagine my excitement though when my doctor informed me that I had Raynaud’s. This was completely new to me, and so therefore couldn’t possibly be considered an elderly condition.
However, anyone with this affliction can testify that there is nothing exciting about it neither is it restricted to any particular age group.
Air conditioning, any exposure to dampness, cold conditions whether it be water or air, and even digestion of cold foods and beverages can and does ice-olate a person. Not at all a pleasant experience. No, not even as an alternative for hot flashes. One curse is as bad as the other!
Thankfully, I am learning to adjust to this affliction. Whenever we go for a drive I must remember to take gloves, a scarf and a blanket. Yes, especially in summertime! My husband, who cannot tolerate the heat and loves air conditioning has agreed not to make fun of my year round accessories. While I may not look like I’m playing with a full deck, at least I’m not portraying an image of the walking dead!
With my birthday fast approaching Hallowe’en nipping at my heels the question remains do I feel ‘blessed or cursed?’

Mind vs Matter

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Mind verses Matter

On June 25th, a most memorable day
In the year 2009, I remember it this way.

At light’s early dawn to the bakery I went
Bread to make up as the yeast did ferment.

With that duty over, ‘twas home that I came
Assuming another role, yet raising all the same.

My adult child with children of her own
Was experiencing turmoil as she’d never known.

Escaping the pressures that were notably overbearing
Agreeing that a distraction was what we’d be sharing.

Seeking sound advice to her doctor we went
After that visit she was a bit more content.

Respite was the diagnosis for her to unwind and heal
Yet, after the drive home her peace I did steal.

The truth of my actions, I don’t fully understand
In attempting a stunt and the strength it would demand.

Stupidity reigned supreme as out of her car I did get
Without locking it in park, this I sorely regret.

Thinking of my daughter, to her stress I could not add
So my focus was her car, I’d save it and be glad.

Trying desperately to avert going down an incline
A beating I then took to my ribs and my behind.

Getting back into the car was not a sensible thing
Nor grabbing the steering wheel as it tried to take wing

A run-a-way car - a frightening and moving violation.
Super Woman I am not, this middle-aged creation.

When someone asked, “what were you thinking of?”
I suppose the brain can slip a gear in an action of love.

The moral of my story I choose to share with you
Never attempt to be a hero without the suitable glue.

Expectations (as posted on my previous blog)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Expectations

What resuscitates my very soul
on this quiet,
yet windy morn?
Could it be
your presence, Lord?
Awaking
from my slumber, torn.

With child-like anticipation,
I wonder
what’s in store?
For I have
so much already
Could you wish
to give me more?

I search my heart, and my mind.
Through prayer
I attempt to obey.
Yet, fallible ,
a mortal being.
Strengthen me
to discern each day.

“Not my will Lord,” Jesus prayed.
And so,
I sense what’s right.
Create a servant
heart in me.
That I may share
Your sovereign Light!

Imparted to me by my heavenly Father, this Sunday
morning November 15, 2009. Of this I am confident.
But for Him, I’d have no breath or soul.

Aurora (as previously posted last year on my blog, now vacated)

Aurora



Anticipating the dawn of each new day can provide an opportunity to sparkle and shine. Life is a journey of unlimited possibilities in a eminence of eternal hope. Some days arrive in a mist of fog giving way to frustration and/or confusion which often cast shadows over joy. Others reveal disturbances over the progressive wrenching of the hands of time stealing one’s peace.

My favourite daybreaks are the more quieter ones which unfold in a slower pace, almost breathless emergence. For instance today, were it not for the injections of manmade inventions, my breathing may have been the only sound my ears would have detected. My eyes signalled the brain that the night was almost past. Through the bedroom window I peered in a curious investigative manner. Without the aid of my glasses the sight was even more beautiful as the lingering night sky appeared to be in no hurry to dismiss it’s playful illuminations. My senses were on overdrive as my feet hit the floor commanding my response “Yes, it is good to be alive!”

A closer look revealed castings of the night air had blanketed the distressed blades of grass and surrounding foliage in my beautiful enchanted garden. Yesterday, or so it seems, the area presented a vibrant statement of living. This morning, I felt the urge to run out and embrace the atmosphere in the hopes of restoring life. But alas! It is not within my power.

I am learning, especially in times of sadness and disappointment, peace and joy are definitely possible and attainable. While the frost lay covering the earth, my inner being was not only aware, but truthfully aroused, that all of what I witness and particularly that which I do not see draws me nearer to the light along the way toward eternal hope.

This day advances and I must make a responsible and mature decision to offer myself in the work force of life, although, part of me remains submerged in a world of words. Words that consume my time and stir up childlike emotions which often detain my intended actions. Yet, this is the epitome of who I am.

Trouty Brook revisited.

My blog photo is one taken of Trouty Brook on a sunny midday on Sunday Nov. 7th 2010. The course of this brook changed it's direction when hurricane Igor struck this island on Sept. 21, 2010. Although, it is not as it was and it may not be the best situation for the samon and sea trout that use this river, yet it is, no doubt, more striking then it has ever been.